You are the first astronaut to arrive on a new, uncharted planet. Write the note that you leave to those who come after you.
The journey was shaky, the landing, even worse. But now that I have spent a few hours here on this planet, I can honestly say I will not be coming back (if I can get out of this cell). What a sensitive lot! What was meant as constructive criticism has been taken as an affront to their culture and heritage. Do these creatures realise that David Hasselhoff is not godlike, or any kind of godlike. Not even the loosest possible meaning of godlike would include Mr. Hasselhoff. My ears started to bleed upon first opening the aircraft door. An indication of a cheese-ridden place is when any point on the body starts to openly rebel and produce a violent amount of protest. If you value your ears, sanity and respect for mankind you will turn around, get back into your spacecraft and head straight for the nearest Lunar BarTM to wash out the taste of bad music. Then post a status update on SpaceExplorer to warn everyone about this planet’s very obvious methods to dissuade visitors from Earth from arriving. A genius ploy, but distasteful, utterly distasteful! I thought that the incessant music was barbaric, but the statues, oh the statues. I wept openly when my eyes fell upon a statue in someone’s front lawn. Libraries have been devoted to examining the ‘Cult of Personality’ that existed on Earth in the twentieth century. However, this is not a patch on the ‘Cult of David Hasselhoff’. It is utterly bewildering. When I chanced to stop someone and explain that this is monstrous and an obsession that must stop at once, I was seized and dragged before their ‘courts’. It is simply impossible to take seriously the laws of a planet that have decided to worship the man who sang ‘Jump in My Car’. So here I sit, in this dank, dark cell, listening to Looking for…the Best of David Hasselhoff on a loop. I urge you to erase the coordinates for this planet from your vehicle and from your mind. We must not allow diplomatic relations to be established between our planet and theirs. Peace and tranquility depend on it.